friends to lovers essay

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wilson psychology group, llc

Nov 13, 2023
10 min read

The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science

There is more than one pathway to romance, but relationship science does not reflect this reality. Our research reveals that relationship initiation studies published in popular journals (Study 1) and cited in popular textbooks (Study 2) overwhelmingly focus on romance that sparks between strangers and largely overlook romance that develops between friends. This limited focus might be justified if friends-first initiation was rare or undesirable, but our research reveals the opposite. In a meta-analysis of seven samples of university students and crowdsourced adults (Study 3; N = 1,897), two thirds reported friends-first initiation, and friends-first initiation was the preferred method of initiation among university students (Study 4). These studies affirm that friends-first initiation is a prevalent and preferred method of romantic relationship initiation that has been overlooked by relationship science. We discuss possible reasons for this oversight and consider the implications for dominant theories of relationship initiation.

Relationship scientists’ empirical attention has not been evenly distributed along the trajectory of romance ( Eastwick et al., 2019 ). For example, researchers have devoted considerable attention to studying the initial spark of attraction that kindles between two strangers meeting for the first time. Or, to be perfectly accurate, researchers have devoted considerable attention to studying the spark of attraction that kindles when someone views a photograph, reads a brief biography, or views a list of traits that may be possessed by a potential romantic partner. However, as Eastwick and colleagues point out, a lot can happen between a spark of attraction and maintaining a committed romantic relationship. Unfortunately, because “[t]he initial attraction literature does not intersect empirically with the literature on established romantic relationships” ( Eastwick et al., 2019 , p. 2), researchers remain mostly in the dark about what those processes might be.

Pathways to Romance

Relationship scientists have long understood that there are at least two kinds of intimacy (e.g., Berscheid, 2010 ; Guerrero & Mongeau, 2008 ). One is friendship-based intimacy, which is a cognitive and emotional experience comprising psychological interdependence, warmth, and understanding, related to the companionate love that nurtures long-term intimate bonds. The other is passion-based intimacy , which is a primarily emotional experience comprising romance and positive arousal, related to the passionate love that typifies novel, and often sexual, relationships. The dominant, but heterosexist, dating script proposes that men’s passionate desire sparks the initial interaction between potential romantic partners and then passion-based intimacy and friendship-based intimacy continue to develop over time in tandem.

However, in her biobehavioral model of sexual orientation, Diamond (2003) convincingly argues that while emotional affection (i.e., friendship-based intimacy) and sexual desire are distinct, the biobehavioral links between systems are bidirectional. Thus, even though sexual desire can precede and even nurture friendship-based intimacy, as the dating script prescribes, the opposite can also occur: Two people can become friends, develop a deep friendship-based intimacy and then begin to experience sexual desire at some future point in time. Now, the dating script might suggest that such friendships are not truly platonic, and concealed passionate desire is the true motivation behind such bonds. After all, some 30%–60% of (presumably heterosexual) cross-sex friends report at least moderate sexual attraction for one another (e.g., Halatsis & Christakis, 2009 ; Kaplan & Keys, 1997 ). Yet the empirical evidence is clear that friendship-based intimacy can precede and even nurture passion-based intimacy (see Rubin & Campbell, 2012 ). When this happens, the friends may decide not to act on their passion ( Bleske-Rechek et al., 2012 ), or they may form a “friends-with-benefits” relationship, where they engage in sexual activity with rules to limit emotional attachment ( Mongeau & Knight, 2015 ). Yet while friends-with-benefits relationships are very common among young people, only a very small proportion ever transition to a traditional romantic relationship ( Bisson & Levine, 2009 ; Machia et al., 2020 ).

Thus, most friendships that eventually transition to romance must follow a different path. Indeed, as Diamond (2003) reviews, the friends-first pathway to romance is well-documented among people who experience same-gender/sex 1 attractions, even among people who self-identify as heterosexual. Furthermore, Eastwick and colleagues (2019) note that the few studies examining the trajectory of early romance suggest that people often know one another for months or even years before they officially enter couplehood. Although it was not the primary focus of the research, two longitudinal studies of romantic relationships between men and women report that a meaningful proportion began as friendships ( Eastwick et al., 2019 ; Hunt et al., 2015 ). Together with Diamond’s (2003) research, these longitudinal studies suggest that romantic and sexual attraction can blossom within long-standing platonic friendships between people of all genders, and sometimes those feelings can lead to romantic couplehood.

The Current Research

We present four studies designed to quantify the extent of researchers’ potential neglect of friends-first initiation as well as the prevalence of and people’s preferences for this form of initiation. In Studies 1 and 2, we systematically code the literature on relationship initiation to determine how often researchers study dating versus friends-first initiation. In Study 3, we seek to establish the prevalence of friends-first initiation with a meta-analysis of seven studies that we have conducted, involving nearly 1,900 participants. We also explore group differences in the prevalence of friends-first initiation (i.e., gender, age, sample population [students vs. MTurk workers], education level, ethnicity, gender composition of the couple), and we explore the prevalence of friends-with-benefits relationships among now-married friends-first initiators. In Study 4, we delve deeper by exploring how long university students were friends prior to couplehood and whether they entered those friendships to facilitate an eventual romance. Participants also report the “best way to meet a dating or romantic partner,” allowing us to assess their preference for friends-first initiation.

If our descriptive and exploratory results reveal that friends-first initiation is a prevalent and preferred method of relationship initiation that is relatively overlooked in relationship science, it will suggest that researchers need to revisit the validity of dominant models of relationship formation, all of which were devised based on research that likely focuses almost exclusively on dating initiation, and all of which may operate very differently during friends-first initiation. For example, one of the only in-depth studies of friendship initiation to date revealed that assortative mating for physical attractiveness was much weaker among friends-first initiators compared to dating initiators ( Hunt et al., 2015 ). Furthermore, although first dates involving (presumably heterosexual) women and men typically follow gender-role prescriptions, expectations for first dates are more egalitarian during friends-first initiation, which may alter the power structure of developing relationships ( Cameron & Curry, 2020 ; see also Rose, 2000 ). Friendship-based intimacy is also the foundation of long-lasting romantic bonds ( VanderDrift et al., 2016 ), and thus understanding how and when people transition from friendship to romance may help researchers to understand the social–psychological foundations of strong and satisfying romantic relationships. In addition, exploring the transition from friendship to romance reveals the messy reality of relationship initiation, which belies the orderly sexual scripts that dominate Western culture. We will return to these issues in the Discussion, but in general, we suspect that by overlooking friends-first initiation, psychologists may have a surprisingly limited understanding of how people actually form romantic relationships.

Seventy-nine percentage ( n = 85) of the sampled publications concerned romantic relationship initiation ( Table 1 ). Of these, 74% ( n = 63) concerned dating initiation while only 8% ( n = 7) focused on friends-first initiation ( Table 2 ). A further 9% ( n = 8) concerned both types of initiation, and if we include these articles in both counts, then 84% of articles concerned dating initiation while only 18% concerned friends-first initiation. These results suggest that researchers largely overlook friends-first initiation and overwhelmingly focus on dating initiation in their empirical study of relationship initiation (articles are listed in the OSM).

A meta-analysis of proportions using an exact binomial-normal model and logit transformed proportions (e.g., Hamza et al., 2008 ) with the metafor package in RStudio (metafor version 2.4-0; Viechtbauer, 2010 ; RStudio version 3.6.2) revealed a median proportion of 0.66 (95% confidence interval [CI] = [0.59, 0.72]), and an estimated average log-odds of 0.66 ( SE = 0.14), 95% CI [0.38, 0.95], z = 4.62, p < .001, indicating that the majority of romantic relationships began as friendships (see Figure 1 for forest plot and the OSM for R code). There was also significant heterogeneity among studies, Wald (6) = 31.01, p < .001, I 2 = 86%, H 2 = 7.14, τ2 = 0.12, indicating that effect sizes varied across studies perhaps due to the use of different measures. These results reveal that friends-first initiation is a common form of relationship initiation.

General Discussion

Our results reveal that psychologists have largely overlooked the most prevalent and desirable form of relationship initiation. Even though two thirds of the nearly 1,900 participants in the studies that we meta-analyzed in Study 3 reported friends-first initiation, and even though 47% of the university age participants in Study 4 claimed that friends-first initiation is the best way to initiate a relationship, just 18% of the studies that we located in our literature search actually focused on this method of initiation. Notably, our impression is that many of these studies covered friends-first initiation in a brief or peripheral manner. Given the paucity of research on friends-first initiation, it is not surprising that the textbooks we coded only cited two articles that focused on friends-first research at all, and these works exclusively focused on friends-with-benefits relationships. This means that the field of close relationships has only a partial understanding of how romantic relationships actually begin.

There are certainly flaws in our research that should be addressed in future studies. Our research concerning the prevalence of friends-first initiation was based on retrospective reports. Such reports are easy to collect, but they can be biased by subsequent experience, and this threat to validity may be particularly salient for emotionally charged experiences like romance ( Holmberg et al., 2004 ). Longitudinal, prospective studies may be better suited to studying friends-first initiation. In addition, although the samples we included in Study 3 lived in different regions of Canada and the United States and comprised both younger and older adults, our samples were still relatively WEIRD (i.e., Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, & Democratic; Henrich et al., 2010 ) and most samples did not include singles. Future research should examine cultural differences in the prevalence of friends-first initiation and other forms of initiation that may not be commonly recognized in the West, but which may be similarly overlooked by extant scientific theories and data. Further, although our analyses in Study 3 suggested that friends-first initiation is more common among same gender/queer couples than among couples that include a man and a woman—perhaps due to group differences in the size of the available dating pool, differing scripts concerning intimacy and communication, and fluid understandings of gender, among other reasons (e.g., Rose, 2000 )—our sample size for the former group was very small ( N = 84 across four samples; see the OSM), and we did not explicitly assess sexual orientation. Although our results are not definitive, they do support prior observations made about same-sex romantic relationship formation ( Diamond, 2003 ). Nevertheless, future research examining the prevalence of various relationship-initiation strategies should include all sexual orientations. Research should also examine whether friends-first initiation is preferred among older adults, as our sample in Study 4 comprised university students. Finally, we did not define “friendship” for any of our participants, so our results may be biased by participants’ ability to self-define a relationship that lacks a precise and shared cultural definition to begin with (e.g., VanderDrift et al., 2016 ). Future research should seek to document the characteristics of friendships that do and do not lead to romance and to ensure that our prevalence rate is not potentially inflated by some participants’ excessively broad interpretation of friendship.

But to achieve these important goals and develop a science of relationship initiation that truly reflects people’s behavior, researchers may need to take a cold, hard look at the reasons why the field has overlooked friends-first initiation in the first place (and yes, we include ourselves in this critique). As we explained in the introduction, it is difficult to study social–psychological phenomena that occur spontaneously and in private, and it is easier to use experimental paradigms that enhance scientific control. Yet researchers’ preference for these methods may have shaped the very questions we think to ask, a kind of “tail wags the dog” situation that may have diverted attention away from friends-first initiation. Thus, researchers and funding agencies need to invest in more longitudinal studies that offer the possibility of capturing different types of relationship initiation as they spontaneously occur.

Moreover, as we explained in the introduction, implicit heterosexist biases hinder relationship science ( Rose, 2000 ) and that may help to explain researchers’ relative neglect of friends-first initiation. For example, despite convincing evidence that passion-based intimacy can arise from friendship-based intimacy among same-gender friends (e.g., Diamond, 2003 ), it may not have occurred to researchers that such a thing could also happen in platonic friendships between heterosexual men and women. Moreover, if people assume that men and women cannot be platonic friends because sexual attraction inevitably gets in the way, and if researchers assume that everyone desires and prioritizes romantic relationships over friendships and singlehood (but see Bay-Cheng & Goodkind, 2016 ; Fisher & Sakaluk, 2020 ; Fisher et al., 2021 ), it may be difficult to conceive of the possibility that heterosexual men and women might maintain a platonic friendship for months or even years, like our Study 4 participants, before romantic feelings start to blossom. Interrogating and overcoming these and other heterosexist assumptions about relationships may be the first step to developing a science of relationship initiation that truly reflects the full diversity of human experience.

The gulf between the fields’ excessive scientific focus on dating initiation and people’s frequent lived experiences of friends-first initiation also has important implications for theories of relationship formation and maintenance. Researchers may need to revisit the validity of dominant models of relationship formation, including risk-regulation theory ( Cameron et al., 2010 ; Stinson et al., 2015 ), sexual strategies theory (e.g., Eastwick et al., 2018 ), and assortative mating (e.g., Fletcher et al., 2000 ; Hoplock et al., 2019 ), all of which were devised by studying dating initiation, and all of which may apply differently, or not at all, to the process of friends-first initiation (see Hunt et al., 2015 ). Moreover, researchers should examine whether people exhibit systematic preferences for one type of initiation or another, and whether psychological variables like attachment ( Mikulincer & Shaver, 2020 ), sociosexuality (e.g., Gangestad & Simpson, 1990 ), life history (e.g., Belsky, 2012 ), or personality (e.g., McNulty, 2013 ) predict that preference. They may also need to examine whether these same variables moderate the success of each type of initiation, and whether such variables moderate the trajectory of relationships that form via dating or friends-first initiation. As such, studying friends-first initiation may be a fruitful enterprise that not only promises to expand extant theories of relationship initiation, but which also promises to shed light on new aspects of relationship initiation that could shift our understandings of how romantic relationships begin and progress.

Stinson, D. A., Cameron, J. J., & Hoplock, L. B. (2022). The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 13(2), 562-571. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506211026992

Romance Tropes: Friends to Lovers

by mollyrookwood
30 January 2023 24 January 2023

It’s the season of love (or blanket burritos, or both), so I’m continuing my romance tropes series with the obvious sequel to my enemies to lovers post—an analysis of friends to lovers!

Friends to lovers is a much-beloved trope. It’s cozy, it’s heartwarming, it makes us feel good about the world. But much like enemies to lovers (or any other romance trope we might chat about), writing a compelling friends-to-lovers story is often easier said than done.

The central arc of a friends-to-lovers story is that—big reveal time—the main characters start as friends and something in the story happens to make them fall in love.

So why aren’t they together yet?

My first question to consider is the same one I’ll ask for most romance novels. What, at the start of the story, is keeping the main characters apart?

In a friends-to-lovers story, there are a few main possibilities. (Drop a comment on this blog post if you can think of more!)

One or both of the characters have not yet realized their feelings for the other.
One or both of the characters are secretly in love but think their love is unrequited.
One or both of the characters don’t want to risk the friendship.
One or both of the characters aren’t out as queer yet.

These circumstances leave us with a beginning of a romance novel in which the characters are in a state of either uncertainty or ignorance. Either they haven’t come to terms with their own feelings, or they are worried about what will happen if they declare themselves. As such, at the start of the story, we have characters who are solidly—and, at this point, exclusively—friends.

How does the central plot push them from friends to lovers?

I find that this is a tricky issue with a friends-to-lovers story. In other romance novels, we can use tools like forced proximity to heighten our characters’ bonds.

But in a friends-to-lovers story, our characters probably already have a tight bond. They’ve probably spent lots of time alone together. You can’t just chuck ’em together in a hotel room or a tent, because they’ve probably done that.

We also likely don’t have our main characters fixating on each other the way we would in an enemies-to-lovers story. As Lacie Waldon writes in “How To Write a Friends-to-Lovers Romance (When You’re Addicted to the Enemies-to-Lovers Trope),” enemies to lovers gives you, to some extent, “free rein to run wild with the characters.” Waldon writes, “You don’t have to like someone to be attracted to them. Whether you’re thinking good thoughts about them or bad, you’re still thinking about them.” If your characters start as buddies, they probably aren’t thinking about each other 24/7.

What we need in a friends-to-lovers story is a central plot event that acts as a catalyst to change the friendship . Maybe one of them wins tickets for a romantic getaway weekend, and because she’s single, she invites her best friend. Maybe one character goes so far above and beyond the normal lines of friendship that the other falls for them.

There has to be a central catalyzing event to make a friends-to-lovers story exciting. Because cozy friends slowly and uneventfully falling in love rarely makes a compelling story.

(Sometimes it works! Legends and Lattes was so successful because it did precisely that—two characters run a coffee shop together, become friends, help each other, and gradually and quietly fall in love. But usually, we need more than coziness to make a story work.)

Consider how your central plot connects to the romantic arc, and make sure that your catalyst for the relationship is also central to the story.

How does the romantic and sexual tension change over the course of the story?

With a friends-to-lovers plotline, we might not get sexual tension right from the start. Our characters should have great chemistry, but that could, at first, be mostly just platonic.

As the central plot forces the relationship to evolve, we need to see that evolution in how the characters relate to each other. They can’t just be friends and then lovers —we need to witness and believe the progression.

What I think people struggle with most in a friends-to-lovers arc is convincingly increasing the tension throughout the book until it breaks. If your characters have great chemistry and banter from the start, what makes their relationship different by the end?

This is equally true (honestly, I think it’s even more true) in a low-heat romance. Romance novels certainly don’t need to have sex scenes in them, but we need to believe that the characters are in love. In a low-heat friends-to-lovers story, it’s essential to show your readers that the romance and longing are central to the story.

How are you convincing your readers that your characters are better as partners than friends?

In a friends-to-lovers story, your characters already have a meaningful relationship. A good friendship is a wonderful thing, and the idea that a romantic relationship is better than a platonic one is frustrating and unhelpful.

Therefore, we need a reason why the characters were, in this story, good as friends but even better as romantic partners. Why was friendship not enough for them? How does a romantic relationship improve your characters’ lives, and what was lacking in their lives beforehand?

This is, at heart, the central question you’ll need to consider when coming up with the premise for your friends-to-lovers story. Why are you writing your novel as a romance instead of a zany story about two friends? Figure out your answer, and you’ll be well on your way.

Does your friends-to-lovers story need a helping hand?

As we’ve explored in this blog post, writing a friends-to-lovers story can be trickier than it seems. But when we get it right, it’s oh so satisfying.

If your friends-to-lovers romance could be made more compelling by an editorial review, Rookwood Editing is here to help! Get in touch today to make your romance novel the best it can be.

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Advice on writing a friends-to-lovers romance

Posted on July 22, 2022 at 10:45 AM by Sadye Scott-Hainchek

Friends-to-lovers makes more sense, when you consider romance plots, than enemies-to-lovers.

But, as author Lacie Waldon points out, it can be a bit harder to write.

After all, it begs the question: What took them so long to get together, then?

Waldon explores some answers to that question in a post on writing friends-to-lovers romances for Writer's Digest.

Romance author shares her recipe for character chemistry

Don't let the fire go out in your novel's slow-burn romance

Categories: Behind the scenes

Tagged As: Romance , Writer's Digest , Writing advice

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How To Go From Friends To Lovers: The Ultimate Guide

Are you tired of wondering if your friendship could be something more? Look no further! In this ultimate guide, we will show you how to go from friends to lovers .

Assess your feelings, communicate your intentions, and navigate potential challenges. Building intimacy and romance is within your reach. Embrace the new dynamics and take a leap into a whole new level of connection.

It’s time to turn your friendship into something extraordinary. Let’s dive in!

Table of Contents

Assessing Your Feelings and Readiness

Assess your feelings and readiness before taking the leap from friends to lovers. Going from friends to lovers is a big step, and it’s important to explore your emotions and evaluate your readiness before moving forward.

Start by examining your feelings towards your friend. Do you find yourself thinking about them constantly, wanting to spend more time with them, and feeling a deeper connection? These are signs that your feelings may be evolving into something more romantic. However, it’s crucial to also consider your friend’s feelings and make sure they reciprocate your emotions.

Honest communication is key in this process. Have a heartfelt conversation with your friend to discuss your feelings and gauge their interest in taking the relationship to a romantic level.

Additionally, evaluating your readiness is essential. Are you emotionally available and prepared for the potential challenges that may arise? Are you willing to take the risk of potentially losing the friendship if the romantic relationship doesn’t work out? It’s important to be honest with yourself and consider these factors before making the decision to pursue a romantic relationship with your friend.

Taking the time to assess your feelings and readiness will help you make a more informed decision and navigate the transition from friends to lovers with clarity and confidence.

Communicating Your Intentions

Once you have assessed your feelings and readiness, it’s time to communicate your intentions to your friend. This step is crucial to ensure that both parties are on the same page and that your friendship remains intact, regardless of the outcome. When communicating your intentions, it’s important to be clear and direct. Avoid beating around the bush or sending mixed signals, as this can lead to confusion and misunderstandings.

Start by setting boundaries. Be open and honest about what you’re looking for in the relationship and what your expectations are. Discussing boundaries can help establish a solid foundation and prevent any potential issues from arising later on.

Additionally, understanding consent is vital in this process. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and mutual. Make sure to give your friend the space and time to process your intentions, and respect their decision, whatever it may be. Keep in mind that consent can be withdrawn at any time, and it’s essential to honor that.

Navigating Potential Challenges

To successfully navigate the transition from friends to lovers, you’ll encounter various challenges along the way. Two significant challenges you may face are overcoming trust issues and dealing with the fear of losing the friendship.

Overcoming trust issues is crucial in any relationship, especially when transitioning from friendship to romance. As friends, you may have shared personal experiences and secrets, but taking the relationship to a romantic level requires a deeper level of trust. It’s important to communicate openly and honestly, addressing any concerns or doubts that may arise. Building trust takes time and effort, so be patient with each other and give each other the space and support needed to develop trust.

Another challenge is the fear of losing the friendship. You may worry that pursuing a romantic relationship could damage the close bond you already have. It’s essential to have open and honest conversations about your feelings and expectations. Discuss the possibility of maintaining the friendship if the romantic relationship doesn’t work out. Remember that the foundation of your friendship is strong, and with open communication and understanding, you can find a way to navigate this challenge together.

Navigating these challenges requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through any obstacles that may arise. By addressing trust issues and openly discussing fears, you can strengthen your bond and create a solid foundation for your romantic relationship.

Building Intimacy and Romance

To deepen your connection and transition from friends to lovers, focus on building intimacy and romance through open communication and shared experiences.

Creating sparks and fostering connection are essential steps in this process.

Intimacy is about being vulnerable and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with each other. Take the time to have deep and meaningful conversations where you open up about your dreams, fears, and desires. This level of openness will create a stronger bond and allow you to truly understand each other on a deeper level.

Romance is about creating moments of affection and desire. Plan special dates or surprise each other with thoughtful gestures. Send flirty texts or leave little love notes for each other. Show your partner how much they mean to you through small acts of kindness and affection.

Shared experiences are crucial in building a romantic connection. Engage in activities that you both enjoy, whether it’s going on adventurous outings, trying new hobbies together, or simply spending quality time cuddling on the couch. These shared experiences will create lasting memories and strengthen your bond.

Embracing the New Dynamics

As you navigate the transition from friends to lovers, it’s important to embrace the new dynamics that come with this shift in your relationship. One key aspect of this is establishing boundaries. When you were just friends, you may have had a more casual approach to your interactions. However, as lovers, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries to ensure that both parties feel comfortable and respected. Talk openly with your partner about your expectations and limits, and be willing to listen and compromise. This will help prevent misunderstandings and maintain a healthy balance in your relationship.

Managing expectations is another crucial aspect of embracing the new dynamics. As friends, you may have had certain expectations about each other, but as lovers, these expectations may change. Recognize that the dynamic between you has shifted, and be open to redefining your expectations. It’s important to communicate openly and honestly with each other, so you can align your expectations and avoid disappointment or resentment.

Embracing the new dynamics in your transition from friends to lovers can be exciting and fulfilling. By establishing clear boundaries and managing expectations, you can create a strong foundation for a healthy and thriving romantic relationship. Remember to communicate openly, listen to each other’s needs, and be willing to adapt as your relationship evolves.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can i tell if my friend has romantic feelings for me.

You can tell if your friend has romantic feelings for you by observing signs of unrequited love, such as increased attention and jealousy. Navigating the shift in dynamics between friends and lovers can be challenging, but communication is key.

Should I Continue Pursuing a Romantic Relationship if My Friend Is Not Ready or Interested?

If your friend is not ready or interested in a romantic relationship, it may be time to reassess your priorities. Consider moving on and focusing on finding someone who reciprocates your feelings.

How Do I Handle Potential Jealousy or Discomfort From Other Friends in Our Social Circle?

Navigating boundaries and managing expectations is key when handling potential jealousy or discomfort from other friends in your social circle. Communicate openly and honestly with your friends, reassuring them that your relationship won’t change your friendship dynamic.

What Are Some Common Challenges That May Arise When Transitioning From Friends to Lovers?

Navigating boundaries and managing expectations are common challenges when transitioning from friends to lovers. It’s important to communicate openly, respect each other’s space, and set clear boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship.

How Can We Maintain a Strong Friendship if the Romantic Relationship Does Not Work Out?

To maintain a strong friendship if your romantic relationship doesn’t work out, it’s important to set and respect boundaries while continuing to nurture your emotional connection. Prioritize open communication and mutual understanding.

In conclusion, transitioning from friends to lovers can be an exciting and rewarding journey. By assessing your feelings, communicating openly, and navigating potential challenges, you can build a strong foundation for a romantic relationship.

Building intimacy and embracing the new dynamics will further strengthen your bond. Remember, the key is to approach this transition with honesty, respect, and an open heart.

Good luck on your journey to love!

Can You Go From Friends To Lovers? 11 Stages You’ll Go Through To Become Romantic Partners

You're laughing over a shared inside joke, feeling the warmth of their smile and the electricity in the air.

Suddenly, you realize that the connection you share with your best friend has shifted into uncharted territory.

Could it be? Has your soulmate been right next to you all this time?

Can you really go from friends to lovers, or is it just a fleeting fantasy?

Let’s dig into the thrilling, nerve-wracking, and often confusing process of transitioning from friends to romantic partners.

By the end, you’ll be able to navigate the twists and turns of redefining your relationship.

Can You Go from Friends to Lovers?

1. the panic once you've realised your feelings, 2. the denial phase, 4. the exciting phase of testing the waters, 5. you start experiencing physical desire on a deeper level, 6. the scary “what if” phase, 7. the exciting optimistic phase, 8. the leap of faith phase, 9. you go out on a date, 10. the adjustment period, 11. the end game — being in a committed relationship, is going from friends to lovers a good idea, can you save the friendship if the romance doesn’t work, final thoughts .

Yes, it's possible to go from friends to romantic partners. In fact, most successful relationships today started off as friendships.

However, you must consider all the challenges and risks of such a transition. So, before taking the plunge, ensure you answer the following questions honestly:

Is your friendship strong enough to withstand any misunderstandings and disagreements that may arise?
Were you true friends before becoming lovers?
Do you share similar values and goals for the future?
If you choose to be romantically involved, who might be affected by your decision?
Which other people could be affected by this decision?

It's important to reflect on these questions and discuss your answers with each other.

Doing so will help you both determine if going from friends to lovers is the right move.

From Friends to Lovers: 11 Stages You’ll Go Through

Every love story starts with the same basic ingredients: two people and a spark of attraction. But how exactly does that spark transform into burning passion if you've been friends for a while?

Well, there are many steps involved, and it all starts with the following 11 friendship-to-relationship stages:

Platonic friendships are a haven for many of us. It's where you can be your weird self, talk about whatever comes to mind, and escape the pressure of always being on your best behavior.

So naturally, it can be scary and downright overwhelming when you realize that your feelings for your friend aren't platonic anymore. You’ll always want to be around them, always looking forward to seeing them daily.

In fact, you'll see your friend in a different light because of the growing chemistry. You'll notice how beautifully their eyes light up when talking about something that excites them and how attractive their laugh is.

These are among the many friends-to-lovers signs you'll experience during this journey.

Acknowledging your feelings can be incredibly scary. Either you'll ignore your feelings and convince yourself that they're just passing infatuation, or you'll talk yourself out of having these feelings at all.

You'll even make a mountain of excuses why it's a bad idea to take things further. The recurring theme in this phase is that you two already have a great friendship, and you wouldn't want to ruin it by dating.

So, you'll spend hours on end obsessing over things returning to “normal,” hoping that your feelings will simply fade. But in reality, this denial phase is just the beginning of your journey.

3. Confusion When Your Feelings Don't Go Away

The denial phase can only last so long. Eventually, you'll catch yourself daydreaming about your friend.

You might just be lying on your bed scrolling through Instagram when suddenly, your mind wanders off to that moment when you both laughed so hard your stomachs felt sore.

Then you'll start questioning every little thing about your friendship: every hug or laugh that lasted for too long, every time they helped you out when you were feeling down.

This is when you realize that your feelings aren't going away, and the confusion soon sets in. You'll even feel guilty for having these thoughts because you're already friends; taking things further might ruin everything.

Remember that these feelings are normal. It's okay to feel confused, scared, and uncertain

You'll start testing the waters by asking casual questions and subtly flirting to gauge their reaction. You will subtly start to look for signs that they feel the same way about you.

You might even sneak in some questions about their dating history or relationship preferences.

You'll feel a rush of adrenaline every time they call or text you. You'll even find yourself making up excuses to talk to them more often, and you'll eagerly await their response every time.

At this stage, you're just so excited about the potential of something developing between you two, and it's hard to contain it.

From friends to lovers: 15 stages you’ll go through + how to make it work

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from friends to lovers - young man and woman becoming more than friends

Some of the best love stories have started out as simple friendships.

Transitioning from friends to lovers is a wonderful experience. The relationship has great potential since you already care about each other.

However, when best friends become more, there are some risks involved that you should keep in mind. As you go through the stages of becoming lovers, one or both of you might realize that it’s not what you want.

On the other hand, if you do both want to be more than just friends, you’re off to a great start. You could still use some tips for going from friends to lovers and you’ll read about them later on in the article.

Right now, let’s focus on some stages that you’ll probably go through as you turn from friends into partners.

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you get things right when going from friends to lovers. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

15 Stages You’ll Go Through When Transitioning From Friends To Lovers

All love stories start in a similar way: boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love.

But what if the boy and girl become friends first? Well, they are likely to go through the following stages before they become a couple.

Realizing that you have the hots for your friend can be confusing. But it’s also a lovely experience that might lead to true love.

Here’s how it’s likely to go down:

1. You start talking more often and spending more time together.

You’re friends, so you always used to text, call each other, and hang out.

But not this much.

If you’re starting to become more than friends, you are likely to talk more often and spend more time together.

Your conversations will be long and meaningful. You’ll feel like you have a deep connection with your friend. This connection might be what first indicates that your relationship is not purely platonic.

You’ll enjoy sharing things with them and letting them be a part of your life. When you spend time together, you won’t simply hang out. It will feel more like you’re really dating even though you’re still just friends.

Compare how often you were in touch before to how often you’re in touch now. Also, try to notice how much time the two of you spend with other friends. Compare it to how often you spend time together and for how long.

You are likely to spend much more time with your special friend than any other friends if you’re heading toward a relationship with them.

2. You experience jealousy all of a sudden.

When you were just friends, it didn’t bother you when your friend talked about their ex or a romantic interest. Now, you suddenly feel jealous of their possible future partners.

You don’t like them talking to members of their preferred sex. You are uncomfortable when they talk about other people they might be into.

Maybe they feel the same way about you. They don’t like it when you give attention to other people of your preferred sex. They get jealous when you talk about your ex.

Jealousy is another of the early indicators that your feelings for your friend have stopped being just friendly.

You don’t want to visualize your friend with someone else because you want to be more than friends with them. Maybe they don’t want to be just your friend either. If so, you are on the road to a romantic relationship.

3. Innocent touches feel different somehow.

When your relationship stops being platonic, your bodies know it even before you do. So, there will be body language signs which show that something has changed.

Your friend’s innocent touches will feel different somehow. You’ll know that they’re not just friendly or at least that you don’t want them to be just friendly. You are likely to engage in physical touch much more often than before.

It will be clear that your friend is special to you. After all, you don’t engage in physical touch that much with other friends.

You will probably try to sit or stand closer to each other and feel the need to touch each other more often than you used to. The way you look at each other can also reveal the hidden desires you share.

You will sense that your friend wants you when they make intense eye contact and gently touch you.

4. You treat them differently than other friends.

If you’re just friends, you’ll treat them like any other friend. But they’re not just a friend to you anymore, and it will be clear that you treat them differently.

Maybe you don’t spend as much time with other friends, you don’t touch them so often, or you don’t talk about them as much. You are certainly not jealous when any of your other friends talk to someone attractive.

The way you and your friend treat each other will change when you’re becoming more than friends. You’ll give each other more attention and make each other a priority. You’ll want to talk to them all the time, and when you’re not talking to them, you’ll talk about them.

Basically, you will show all the normal signs of falling in love even if you’re still trying to act like friends. Most of the time, other people will notice this much sooner than you, but more on that later.

5. You start flirting.

Obviously, you will start flirting before you go from friends to dating. You will give each other compliments and engage in subtle eye contact. You might even joke about being a couple or tease each other about liking one another.

Your flirting might even appear harmless like it’s just friendly teasing, but it’s probably not. Friends give each other compliments, but you can tell when it’s a friendly compliment and when someone is hitting on you.

Even if you can’t put your finger on what exactly made it different, you’ll know that your friend is flirting with you. And you’ll flirt back, but the two of you will probably still be afraid that it’s just friendly teasing.

It takes time before innocent flirting between friends turns into something serious. Again, people around you will probably realize that you’ll hook up sooner than you become aware of it.

6. You experience lust.

What makes the biggest difference between friends and lovers is sexual desire or lust.

You’ll have the hots for your friend in the form of feelings of lust. When this happens, you are definitely on the road to becoming more than just friends.

If your friend is sexually attracted to you, it will show in their body language and the way they act around you. So, if it seems like there’s an unspoken sexual tension in the air whenever you come close to each other, you’re not just friends.

It’s important to note here that this is the stage where transitioning ends for some friends. Instead of becoming a couple, they act on their lusty feelings and become friends with benefits

If that is what you both truly want, there’s nothing wrong with having a relationship like that. However, if you want to have something real and serious with your friend, it’s better to avoid becoming just friends with benefits. You can do this by taking things slow with them but more on that later.

7. You find ways to be alone together.

Friends often hang out in groups. But you and your friend now find all manner of excuses to be alone together.

Even when you’re with a group of friends, you sit close to each other and leave to be alone together. Maybe your friend asks you to go for a walk when you’re at a party, or they simply put all their attention on you. If you can’t be alone together, you’ll probably focus more on each other than on any of the other friends present.

When scheduling times to meet, you also try to get some alone time away from other people. Maybe you hang out at their place, they come to yours, or you go somewhere where you can have privacy and alone time together.

This all indicates that you’re going through one of the stages of turning your friendship into a relationship.

8. You put them first.

Your friend is your top priority, and it’s clear that no one else is as important to you as they are.

You change your plans to fit their schedule, you ignore other friends to meet with them, and ditch work to help them. You’re always there to help them when they need a helping hand or just to listen to them talk about their problems.

When they want to see you, you ditch everything else to be with them. Basically, you do all that you can to be with them as much as possible and make them happy.

They have become your top priority, unlike any of your other friends. This is a clear sign that your feelings for them are not just friendly. If they put you first too, they probably feel the same way about you.

9. You give each other sweet nicknames.

Friends can have pet names for each other, but they’re usually something goofy. When your friend starts calling you “sweetie,” “babe,” or “honey,” the relationship might not be so platonic.

Pet names are a great way to express affection, and couples use them all the time. Friends – not so much. When you and your friend start calling each other “babe,” you probably want to become something more.

Your friend might even give you a special nickname that refers to an inside joke. If you have names for each other that no one else understands or even knows about, you have a deep connection. If those names are also something that’s usually reserved for couples, you might as well already be dating.

10. You talk about each other more often.

Every conversation somehow leads to you mentioning your friend. Their name pops up in random conversations that don’t even have anything to do with them.

You feel like you must make these references because your friend is constantly on your mind. You can’t stop thinking about them. Maybe you even catch yourself daydreaming about being with them.

What’s more, you know exactly what they are doing at any moment of the day. They don’t even have to keep you posted because you know them and think about them that much.

When you don’t know what they are doing, you are thinking about it and feeling tempted to ask them. If someone is on your mind 24/7, you are falling in love with them, even if they are just a friend for now.

11. You feel different around them.

Suddenly, being around your friend feels different than it used to. You get nervous and awkward around them and there’s tension in the air.

You feel the need to impress them as if you would someone that you’re dating. You care a lot about what they think about you, and you feel lusty when they’re near you.

If they behave differently around you too, they might be feeling the same way. Something’s changed. It’s probably the romantic feelings that have occurred in your platonic relationship.

When something like this happens, people can sense it, so the air around you feels different. You’ll know that it’s because you’re not just friends anymore.

12. Your shared friends are on to you.

When things change between you and your friend, your other friends will be able to sense it even before you do.

It’s not just that they’ll notice something’s going on – they won’t hesitate to bring it up. Your friends will probably tease the two of you or try to explain how you’re obviously attracted to each other. They might make an effort to make sure you sit next to each other when you’re hanging out in a group. They’re likely to do other things just to get the two of you to finally hook up.

Friends like to help their friends hook up, whether it’s with other people or with each other. When they see two of their friends developing feelings for each other, they’ll do their best to make them act on it.

13. You worry about losing your friendship and feel confused.

Once it’s clear to you that your feelings for your friend are not just friendly, you might feel confused, or even worried.

Will getting in a relationship make you lose your friend? Would it be better that you stay friends if you want to keep them in your life forever? What if you get into a relationship and break up? You might worry about all these things before acting on your feelings.

The feelings on their own might make you feel confused. It’s strange when you suddenly see someone differently. You’re so used to seeing them as a friend that it feels weird to suddenly picture them as a potential partner.

Should you act on your feelings? Do they feel the same way about you? What if they want to stay just friends? This transition is going to be confusing for you before you decide that being with someone you’re into is worth the risk.

14. You’re ready to risk it.

After being confused for a while, you’ll come to the conclusion that being with your friend is worth the risk. You’ll be ready to risk losing them as a friend in order to gain them as a partner.

This is a good thing. After all, you can’t go back to being just friends now that you’ve fallen in love with them. If you instead become partners, you’re not losing anything, you’re just gaining.

Love is always worth the risk, and when you love your friend, the relationship has great potential. They are your friend, so they already care about you. You’re already a team, partners in crime. Now, all that’s left is to introduce romantic feelings into your existing relationship.

15. You go out on a real date.

Obviously, the final stage of transitioning from friends to lovers is going out on a real, romantic date. This might not be so obvious though. If no one uses the word “date” you’ll wonder whether this is a date or just friends hanging out. Don’t be afraid to ask if you can’t tell!

If your date is romantic, it’s definitely a date. It is a perfect opportunity to come clean about your feelings and become a couple. When you finally hook up – that’s it – you’re not just friends anymore. You are much more than friends.

And, since your relationship started as a friendship, it has great potential and is likely to be successful.

10 Tips When Going From Friends To Dating

Can friends become lovers? Yes, they can. When the necessary feelings are present and the timing is right, it is absolutely possible for a friendship to turn into a relationship.

While you’re turning from buddies to soulmates, you could use some tips to make sure that your relationship works out.

The important thing is that this is what you both want and that you don’t rush into it. Keep reading to learn about those and many more tips for when you’re going from friendship to relationship.

1. Make sure both of you want the same things.

The most important part of all this is that you’re on the same page. Your friend should feel the same way about you as you do about them.

If you both want to be more than friends, nothing’s stopping you from starting a relationship. However, if only one of you is pushing the subject, things aren’t going to work out.

Make sure that you both want this before you become more than friends. When only one of you really wants it, you are likely to end up in a one-sided relationship.

Losing your friend by becoming partners is worth the risk, but only if both of you want the same thing. You can look for signs that your friend’s falling for you too or even ask them directly. Make sure to do that before initiating something more than friendship.

2. Know the risks.

What are the risks involved with becoming more than just friends? Obviously, there’s a risk that they don’t feel the same way about you, but you probably already know that they do.

The biggest risk you’re dealing with is losing them as a friend if your relationship doesn’t work out. If you break up, things are likely to be awkward in your social circle at least for a while.

Is it worth the risk? Well, if you’re into your friend, they’re already not just a friend to you. Your friendship can’t really be lost when it’s already grown into something more.

You could nurture that relationship or get some distance to be able to go back to being friends. But, when your friend is already a crush, they aren’t likely to be just a friend again. So, you can only gain something, not lose it.

3. Don’t rush things.

While your feelings might be sudden, strong, and intense, your relationship shouldn’t be.

Don’t rush into a relationship with your friend as soon as you start having romantic feelings for them. Give it some time and process your feelings. Let things develop naturally and move at their own pace.

Don’t ever try to pressure your friend into being with you. Spend time with them and take your time in getting to know them even better.

Connect on an emotional level before you introduce physical intimacy into your relationship. Otherwise, you’ll be at risk of becoming friends with benefits instead of partners.

Take things slow as if you would with anyone else that you just started dating. They’re not going anywhere, and there’s plenty of time for the two of you to act on your newfound feelings.

Be patient because chemistry and feelings aren’t enough to make your relationship work.

4. Stay friends even when you’re lovers.

While you were friends, you probably had a lot of fun together. You would go out, see movies, party, and go to restaurants. Maybe you would engage in the same hobby or sports activity.

Whatever it is that you were doing while you were friends shouldn’t stop once you’re a couple. Keep things fun and exciting the way they were when you were just hanging out.

Being in a relationship might put extra pressure on you, but try to be as carefree as you were. Keep feeling comfortable around each other. Be yourself around them, be honest with them, and don’t hesitate to be playful and joke around.

Don’t forget that you didn’t stop being friends. You are now partners too, but you should still be friends as well.

5. Don’t get too comfortable in the relationship.

You should feel comfortable around each other when you’re dating. However, you shouldn’t get too comfortable.

When you were friends, it might have been okay to meet them without putting any effort into looking good. Now that you’re dating, you should act the way you did with any of your previous partners. Put effort into impressing each other now that you’re more than friends.

If you instead still act like friends, you might go back to being just that. You should be friends, but not only that. Make sure to act the way you would if you were dating anyone else.

Being friends didn’t require much effort, but a romantic relationship does, so keep that in mind. Be willing to go the extra mile for them and make an effort to make things work.

6. Go on real, romantic dates.

It might feel weird to be all lovey-dovey with your friend, even if you’re now dating them. You might be tempted to just watch movies and hang out like you did when you were just friends.

Don’t do it.

Make an effort to go on real dates and make them romantic. A candlelit dinner sets the perfect mood for building emotional intimacy. Intimacy is what you should focus on now.

Your dates don’t have to be sexual or end in sex. Just make sure that they’re romantic and work more on emotional than physical intimacy for now.

Connect on a deeper level than you ever did before, and don’t hesitate to get all lovey-dovey. You’re not buddies anymore, you’re partners, so act like that not to get stuck in the friend zone. Make sure that you’re really dating not just hanging out.

7. Be honest but don’t tell them everything you would tell a friend.

Your friend already knows the real you, so you can be honest with them about your feelings. Show your true colors and open up to them.

However, keep in mind that they’re not just a friend anymore. Don’t talk to them the way you would talk to a friend. While you should be honest with your partner, you don’t tell someone you’re dating the same things you tell your friends.

Overly personal and even gross details about yourself are something you share with friends only. For instance, you can tell your friend that you haven’t shaved for a month, but it’s certainly not something you’d tell someone you’re dating. Adjust your conversations to your relationship status.

8. Let your common friends know that you’re dating.

Your relationship can be private when it’s just starting, but don’t keep your other friends in the dark for long. Let them know that you’re dating once you’re both sure that this is what you want.

You have no reason to hide that from them, and things might get awkward if you do. Your friends are probably going to cheer you on and be glad that you’re together. So, there’s really no harm in telling them.

Keeping your relationship a secret from them will just force you to act like friends again. You’re not just that anymore, and you should avoid going back to the way things were.

Work toward a future together, and don’t look back to the time when that wasn’t a possibility.

9. Don’t become friends with benefits.

Becoming partners after being friends is risky, but becoming friends with benefits is even riskier.

It’s very likely that one of you will develop deeper feelings for the other at some point. One of you might meet someone else and decide that they want a real relationship with them.

When you’re friends with someone, adding sex into the relationship makes sense if you’ll be in a real relationship. If that’s not what you both want, becoming friends with benefits instead will just be confusing and complicated.

Some people make it work, but those who do eventually go from friends with benefits to a relationship. You can skip the fwb part and go straight to being a committed couple if that’s what you want. If not, it might be best to just stay friends.

10. Use the things you know about them.

Since you were friends with this person, you probably know a lot about them and their past. You can use this information now that you’re dating them.

For instance, maybe you know that their ex-partner lied to them and betrayed their trust. You could take note of this and be transparent with them as much as possible.

Remember all of their triggers and make sure to use the knowledge to make your relationship better. Treat them with empathy and consideration while keeping in mind the things that they’ve already shared with you.

You probably already know what kind of relationship they were searching for. Let them have that relationship with you and make them happy.

Going from friends to lovers can be messy, but it doesn’t have to be. As long as you’re both on the same page and you follow these tips, you’re likely to have a successful relationship!

Still not sure how to successfully transition from friends into a relationship? Whilst it’s an exciting time, it can also be full of anxiety and confusion. To help you cope with it all and to coach you through the change, speaking to a relationship expert is a good idea. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out.

About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

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These 25 Friends-to-Lovers Romances Will Steal Your Heart

Related books, everything we know about ‘love in taipei’, the ‘loveboat, taipei’ movie, relatable books for anyone who’s gone through a friendship breakup, choose a romance trope, we’ll give you a book rec.

It’s a well-documented fact that everyone at Epic Reads HQ is seriously in love with love. You can catch us reading a good love story of any kind, but what do we adore more than love and romance? Romance tropes. You already know .

One of our favorite tropes, you ask? Well, you already know we love enemies-to-lovers, but today, we’re here to talk about something equally as important: Friends-to-lovers. Two friends with mutual ~romantic~ feelings? Who start to realize how they feel? And end up with a swoon-worthy slow-burn will-they-or-won’t-they we can’t help but adore?

Sign us up, please and thank you. Scroll down for our list of friends-to-lovers YA books that will absolutely steal your heart.

25 Friends-to-Lovers YA Books

THAT WE ARE MORE THAN OBSESSED WITH

1. Whiteout by Dhonielle Clayton, Tiffany D. Jackson, Nic Stone, Angie Thomas, Ashley Woodfolk, Nicola Yoon

Atlanta is blanketed with snow just before Christmas, but the warmth of young love just might melt the ice in this novel of Black joy, and cozy, sparkling romance—by the same unbeatable team of authors who wrote the New York Times bestseller Blackout !

As the city grinds to a halt, twelve teens band together to help a friend pull off the most epic apology of her life. But will they be able to make it happen, in spite of the storm?

No one is prepared for this whiteout. But then, we can’t always prepare for the magical moments that change everything.

From the bestselling, award-winning, all-star authors who brought us Blackout —Dhonielle Clayton, Tiffany D. Jackson, Nic Stone, Angie Thomas, Ashley Woodfolk, and Nicola Yoon—comes another novel of Black teen love, each relationship within as unique and sparkling as Southern snowflakes.

Buy Whiteout now!

2. Reggie and Delilah’s Year of Falling by Elise Bryant

Delilah always keeps her messy, gooey insides hidden behind a wall of shrugs and yeah, whatever s . She goes with the flow—which is how she ends up singing in her friends’ punk band as a favor, even though she’d prefer to hide at the merch table.

Reggie is a D&D Dungeon Master and self-declared Blerd. He spends his free time leading quests and writing essays critiquing the game under a pseudonym, keeping it all under wraps from his disapproving family.

These two, who have practically nothing in common, meet for the first time on New Year’s Eve. And then again on Valentine’s Day. And then again on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s almost like the universe is pushing them together for a reason.

Delilah wishes she were more like Reggie—open about what she likes and who she is, even if it’s not cool. Except . . . it’s all a front. Reggie is just role-playing someone confident. The kind of guy who could be with a girl like Delilah.

As their holiday meetings continue, the two begin to fall for each other. But what happens once they realize they’ve each fallen for a version of the other that doesn’t really exist?

Buy Reggie and Delilah’s Year of Falling now!

3. Out of Character by Jenna Miller

If you asked seventeen-year-old Cass Williams to describe herself, she’d happily tell you she’s fat, a lesbian, and obsessed with the Tide Wars books. What she won’t tell you—or anyone in her life—is that she’s part of an online Tide Wars roleplay community. Sure, it’s nerdy as hell, but when she’s behind the screen writing scenes as Captain Aresha, she doesn’t have to think about her mother who walked out or how unexpectedly stressful it is dating resident cool girl Taylor Cooper.

But secretly retreating to her online life is starting to catch up with Cass. For one, no one in her real life knows her secret roleplay addiction is the reason her grades have taken a big hit. Also? Cass has started catching feelings for Rowan Davies, her internet bestie . . . and Taylor might be catching on.

As Cass’s lies continue to build, so does her anxiety. Roleplaying used to be the one place she could escape to, but this double life and offline-online love triangle have only made things worse. Cass must decide what to do—be honest and risk losing her safe space or keep it a secret and put everything else on the line.

Buy Out of Character now!

4. If I Can Give You That by Michael Gray Bulla

For fans of Kacen Callender and Mason Deaver comes a heart-tugging coming-of-age YA debut that takes a poignant look at gender identity, sexuality, friendship, and family—both the one we’re born into and the one we find for ourselves.

Seventeen-year-old Gael is used to keeping to himself. Though his best friend convinces him to attend a meeting of Plus, a support group for LGBTQIA+ teens, Gael doesn’t plan on sharing much. Where would he even start?

Between supporting his mother through her bouts of depression, dealing with his estranged father, and navigating senior year as a transgender boy at a conservative Tennessean high school, his life is a lot to unload on strangers.

But after meeting easygoing Declan, Gael is welcomed into a new circle of friends who make him want to open up. As Gael’s friendship with Declan develops into something more, he finds himself caught between his mother’s worsening mental health and his father’s attempts to reconnect.

After tragedy strikes, Gael must decide if he can risk letting the walls around his heart down and fully opening up to those who care for him.

Buy If I Can Give You That now!

5. Flowerheart by Catherine Bakewell

Clara’s magic has always been wild. But it’s never been dangerous. Then a simple touch causes poisonous flowers to bloom in her father’s chest.

The only way to heal him is to cast an extremely difficult spell that requires perfect control. And the only person willing to help is her former best friend, Xavier, who’s grown from a sweet, shy child into someone distant and mysterious.

Xavier asks a terrible price in return, knowing Clara will give anything to save her father. As she struggles to reconcile the new Xavier with the boy she once loved, she discovers how many secrets he’s hiding. And as she hunts for the truth, she instead finds the root of a terrible darkness that’s taken hold in the queendom—a darkness only Clara’s magic is powerful enough to stop.

Buy Flowerheart now!

6. Golden Boys by Phil Stamper

Gabriel is volunteering at an environmental nonprofit in Boston. Reese is attending design school in Paris. Sal is interning on Capitol Hill for a senator. Heath is heading to Florida, to help out at his aunt’s boardwalk arcade.

What will this season of world-expanding travel and life-changing experiences mean for each of them–and for their friendship?

Buy Golden Boys now!

7. Seoulmates by Susan Lee

But then Nate does what everyone else in Hannah’s life seems to do—he leaves her, claiming they have nothing in common. He and all her friends are newly obsessed with K-pop and K-dramas, and Hannah is not. After years of trying to embrace the American part and shunning the Korean side of her Korean American identity to fit in, Hannah finds that’s exactly what now has her on the outs.

But someone who does know K-dramas—so well that he’s actually starring in one—is Jacob Kim, Hannah’s former best friend, whom she hasn’t seen in years. He’s desperate for a break from the fame, so a family trip back to San Diego might be just what he needs… that is, if he and Hannah can figure out what went wrong when they last parted and navigate the new feelings developing between them.

Her ex-boyfriend wants her back. Her former best friend is in town. When did Hannah’s life become a K-drama?

Buy Seoulmates now!

8. Not Here to Stay Friends by Kaitlin Hill

Sloane McKinney feels like a background character in her own life. But this summer will be different, because she’s spending it with her childhood best friend, Liam Daniels, in her dream city, Los Angeles. Sure, she’s surprised to find that Liam just happens to have had a Hot Guy glow-up since she last saw him, but so what? A little attraction won’t ruin her plans for their fun—and completely platonic—reunion.

What might, however, is that Liam has been roped into working for his producer dad’s new teen reality dating show, Aspen Woods’s Future Leading Lady. Liam figures Sloane can still hang out with him on set while he fetches coffee for the film crew, or whatever it is that production assistants do. Except it turns out the show is one contestant short . . . and Sloane is the perfect last-minute addition.

Once cameras are rolling, the whirlwind of dating teen heartthrob Aspen Woods feels way more real than Sloane expected, and Liam doesn’t exactly enjoy watching it all unfold. But it’s behind the scenes where the drama really picks up. . . .

Because wanting to kiss your best friend? That’s a plot twist neither Sloane nor Liam ever saw coming.

Buy Not Here to Stay Friends now!

9. If This Gets Out by Sophie Gonzales & Cale Dietrich

On a whirlwind tour through Europe, with both an unrelenting schedule and minimal supervision, Ruben and Zach come to rely on each other more and more, and their already close friendship evolves into a romance. But when they decide they’re ready to tell their fans and live freely, Zach and Ruben start to truly realize that they will never have the support of their management. How can they hold tight to each other when the whole world seems to want to come between them?

Buy If This Gets Out now!

10. So This is Ever After by F.T. Lukens

As a temporary safeguard, Arek’s best friend and mage, Matt, convinces him to assume the throne until the true heir can be rescued from her tower. Except that she’s dead. Now Arek is stuck as king, a role that comes with a magical catch: choose a spouse by your eighteenth birthday, or wither away into nothing.

With his eighteenth birthday only three months away, and only Matt in on the secret, Arek embarks on a desperate bid to find a spouse to save his life—starting with his quest companions. But his attempts at wooing his friends go painfully and hilariously wrong…until he discovers that love might have been in front of him all along.

Buy So This is Ever After now!

11. Each Night Was Illuminated by Jodi Lynn Anderson

With writing that sparks off the page, New York Times bestselling author Jodi Lynn Anderson tells a story of saints and floods, secrets and truths, rage and love—and the bravery it takes to bet your whole life on a new kind of hope.

The day the train fell in the lake, Cassie stopped believing in much of anything, despite growing up in a devout Catholic family. Then she set her mind to forgetting the strange boy named Elias who was with her when it happened.

When Elias comes back to town after many years away, Cassie finds herself talked into sneaking out at night to follow him ghost-hunting—though she knows better than to believe they will find any spirits.

Still, the more time she spends with Elias—with his questions, his rebelliousness, his imagination that is so much bigger than the box she has made for herself—the more Cassie thinks that even in a world that seems broken beyond repair, there just may be something worth believing in.

Buy Each Night Was Illuminated now!

12. Private Label by Kelly Yang

The Devil Wears Prada meets Far from the Tree in #1 New York Times bestselling author Kelly Yang’s powerful love story about two teens searching for their place in the world.

Serene dreams of making couture dresses even more stunning than her mom’s, but for now she’s an intern at her mom’s fashion label. When her mom receives a sudden diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, all that changes. Serene has to take over her mother’s business overnight while trying to figure out what happened with her dad in Beijing. He left before she was born, and Serene wants to find him, even if it means going against her mom’s one request—never look back.

Lian Chen moved from China to Serene’s mostly white Southern California beach town a year ago. He doesn’t fit in at school, where kids mispronounce his name. His parents don’t care about what he wants to do—comedy—and push him toward going to MIT engineering early. Lian thinks there’s nothing to stick around for until one day he starts a Chinese Club after school . . . and Serene walks in.

Worlds apart in the high school hierarchy, Serene and Lian soon find refuge in each other, falling in love as they navigate life-changing storms.

Buy Private Label now!

13. The Summer of Bitter and Sweet by Jen Ferguson

In this complex and emotionally resonant novel about a Métis girl living on the Canadian prairies, debut author Jen Ferguson serves up a powerful story about rage, secrets, and all the spectrums that make up a person—and the sweetness that can still live alongside the bitterest truth.

Lou has enough confusion in front of her this summer. She’ll be working in her family’s ice-cream shack with her newly ex-boyfriend—whose kisses never made her feel desire, only discomfort—and her former best friend, King, who is back in their Canadian prairie town after disappearing three years ago without a word.

But when she gets a letter from her biological father—a man she hoped would stay behind bars for the rest of his life—Lou immediately knows that she cannot meet him, no matter how much he insists.

While King’s friendship makes Lou feel safer and warmer than she would have thought possible, when her family’s business comes under threat, she soon realizes that she can’t ignore her father forever.

Buy The Summer of Bitter and Sweet now!

14. Yes No Maybe So by Becky Albertalli & Aisha Seed

Maya Rehman’s having the worst Ramadan ever. Her best friend is too busy to hang out, her summer trip is canceled, and now her parents are separating. Why her mother thinks the solution to her problems is political canvassing —with some awkward dude she hardly knows—is beyond her.

Going door to door isn’t exactly glamorous, but maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world. After all, the polls are getting closer—and so are Maya and Jamie. Mastering local activism is one thing. Navigating the cross-cultural crush of the century is another thing entirely.

Buy Yes No Maybe So now!

15. Nate Plus One by Kevin van Whye

The gorgeous new feelgood LGBTQ+ romantic comedy from the author of Date Me, Bryson Keller! Two boys. Two bands. Two worlds colliding.

Nate Hargraves – stage-shy singer-songwriter – is totally stoked for his cousin’s wedding in South Africa, an all-expenses-paid trip of a lifetime. Until he finds out his sleazeball ex-boyfriend is also on the guest list.

Jai Patel – hot-as-hell high school rock-god – has troubles too. His band’s lead singer has quit, just weeks before the gig that was meant to be their big break.

When Nate saves the day by agreeing to sing with Jai’s band, Jai volunteers to be Nate’s plus-one to the wedding, and the stage is set for a summer of music, self-discovery, and simmering romantic tension. What could possibly go wrong . . . ?

Buy Nate Plus One now!

16. Some Mistakes Were Made by Kristin Dwyer

Ellis and Easton have been inseparable since childhood. But when a rash decision throws Ellis’s life—and her relationship with Easton—into chaos, she’s forced to move halfway across the country, far from everything she’s ever known.

Now Ellis hasn’t spoken to Easton in a year, and maybe it’s better that way; maybe eventually the Easton-shaped hole in her heart will heal.

But when Easton’s mom invites her home for a visit, Ellis finds herself tangled up in the web of heartache, betrayal, and anger she left behind . . . and with the boy she never stopped loving.

Buy Some Mistakes Were Made now!

17. Flip the Script by Lyla Lee

In this simmering, joyous novel, I’ll Be the One author Lyla Lee delivers a tender romance set between two brave teens who decide that when the script isn’t working, it’s time to rewrite it themselves.

The first rule of watching K-dramas: Never fall in love with the second lead.

As an avid watcher of K-dramas, Hana knows all the tropes to avoid when she finally lands a starring role in a buzzy new drama. And she can totally handle her fake co-star boyfriend, heartthrob Bryan Yoon, who might be falling in love with her. After all, she promised the TV producers a contract romance, and that’s all they’re going to get from her.

But when showrunners bring on a new lead actress to challenge Hana’s role as main love interest—and worse, it’s someone Hana knows all too well—can Hana fight for her position on the show, while falling for her on-screen rival in real life?

Buy Flip the Script now!

18. The Rest of the Story by Sarah Dessen

Now it’s just Emma and her dad, and life is good, if a little predictable…until Emma is unexpectedly sent to spend the summer with her mother’s family that she hasn’t seen since she was a little girl.

When Emma arrives at North Lake, she realizes there are actually two very different communities there. Her mother grew up in working class North Lake, while her dad spent summers in the wealthier Lake North resort. The more time Emma spends there, the more it starts to feel like she is also divided into two people. To her father, she is Emma. But to her new family, she is Saylor, the name her mother always called her.

Then there’s Roo, the boy who was her very best friend when she was little. Roo holds the key to her family’s history, and slowly, he helps her put the pieces together about her past. It’s hard not to get caught up in the magic of North Lake—and Saylor finds herself falling under Roo’s spell as well.

For Saylor, it’s like a whole new world is opening up to her. But when it’s time to go back home, which side of her—Emma or Saylor—will win out?

Buy The Rest of the Story now!

19. Right Where I Left You by Julian Winters

Isaac Martin is ready to kick off summer. His last before heading off to college in the fall where he won’t have his best friend, Diego. Where—despite his social anxiety—he’ll be left to make friends on his own. Knowing his time with Diego is limited, Isaac enacts a foolproof plan: snatch up a pair of badges for the epic comic convention, Legends Con, and attend his first ever Teen Pride. Just him and Diego.

But when an unexpected run-in with Davi—Isaac’s old crush—distracts him the day tickets go on sale, suddenly he’s two badges short of a perfect summer. Even worse, now he’s left making it up to Diego by hanging with him and his gamer buddies. Decidedly NOT part of the original plan. It’s not all bad, though. Some of Diego’s friends turn out to be pretty cool, and when things with Davi start heating up, Isaac is almost able to forget about his Legends Con blunder. Almost . Because then Diego finds out what really happened that day with Davi, and their friendship lands on thin ice. Isaac assumes he’s upset about missing the convention, but could Diego have other reasons for avoiding Isaac?

Buy Right Where I Left You now!

20. We Are Totally Normal by Naomi Kanakia

Still, Nandan’s willing to give a relationship with him a shot. But the more his anxiety grows about what his sexuality means for himself, his friends, and his social life, the more he wonders whether he can just take it all back.

Is breaking up with Dave—the only person who’s ever really gotten him—worth feeling “normal” again?

Buy We Are Totally Normal now!

21. This Is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kacen Callender

Although he’s the ultimate film buff and an aspiring screenwriter, Nate’s seen the demise of too many relationships to believe that happy endings exist in real life.

Playing it safe to avoid a broken heart has been his MO ever since his father died and left his mom to unravel—but this strategy is not without fault. His best-friend-turned-girlfriend-turned-best-friend-again, Florence, is set on making sure Nate finds someone else. And in a twist that is rom-com-worthy, someone does come along: Oliver James Hernández, his childhood best friend.

After a painful mix-up when they were little, Nate finally has the chance to tell Ollie the truth about his feelings. But can Nate find the courage to pursue his own happily ever after?

Buy This Is Kind of an Epic Love Story now!

22. The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater

Every year, Blue Sargent stands next to her clairvoyant mother as the soon-to-be dead walk past. Blue herself never sees them—not until this year, when a boy emerges from the dark and speaks directly to her.

His name is Gansey, and Blue soon discovers that he is a rich student at Aglionby, the local private school. Blue has a policy of staying away from Aglionby boys. Known as Raven Boys, they can only mean trouble.

But Blue is drawn to Gansey, in a way she can’t entirely explain. He has it all—family money, good looks, devoted friends—but he’s looking for much more than that. He is on a quest that has encompassed three other Raven Boys: Adam, the scholarship student who resents all the privilege around him; Ronan, the fierce soul who ranges from anger to despair; and Noah, the taciturn watcher of the four, who notices many things but says very little.

For as long as she can remember, Blue has been warned that she will cause her true love to die. She never thought this would be a problem. But now, as her life becomes caught up in the strange and sinister world of the Raven Boys, she’s not so sure anymore.

Buy The Raven Boys now!

23. I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver

But Ben’s attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan’s friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life.

At turns heartbreaking and joyous, I Wish You All the Best is both a celebration of life, friendship, and love, and a shining example of hope in the face of adversity.

Buy I Wish You All the Best now!

24. With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo

Even though she dreams of working as a chef after she graduates, Emoni knows that it’s not worth her time to pursue the impossible. Yet despite the rules she thinks she has to play by, once Emoni starts cooking, her only choice is to let her talent break free.

Buy With the Fire on High now!

25. Top Ten by Katie Cotugno

But somehow their relationship just works; from dorky Monopoly nights to rowdy house parties to the top ten lists they make about everything under the sun.

Now, on the night of high school graduation, everything is suddenly changing—in their lives, and in their relationship. As they try to figure out what they mean to each other and where to go from here, they make a final top ten list: this time, counting down the top ten moments of their friendship.

Buy Top Ten now!
What are your favorite friends-to-lovers romances? Let us know in the comments below!

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7 Tips To Write Friend To Lover Romance Novel Perfectly

Friend to lover story writing.

Friend to lover romance is one of the popular tropes in the Romance genre. Readers like to read this type of story because of the diversity of relationships and twists. Writing about this trope is not very easy because you have to create a unique plot and scenario for the quality of the story. Most writers/authors remix the story that hearts the readers because we always read something new and spicy. So if you want to write friends to lover romance novels, follow me.

How To Write Friend To Lover Romance? (Friendship Love Story Writing)

Writing friends to lovers can be strange because you’re going from this very decided platonic relationship to a very decided romantic one. So how do you write this transition without it seeming unrealistic to your reader? As a writer, I have many stories about friends-to-lovers. So I can guide you step by step to make your first romance hit. I will give you my 7 best tips to write friends to lover romance. Let’s write it!

1. Embrace the weirdness

The first thing you have to do is embrace the weirdness. That’s part of the cuteness because it’s funny to fall in love with your best friend, especially if you’ve known them since childhood.

So don’t shy away from the awkwardness of this whole thing. Chances are, your characters are going to feel awkward, too. If you feel difficult writing friends to lovers, writing this transition into your story, don’t worry, you’re not alone. It is supposed to feel challenging but not unrealistic. Every story follows some structure. Regardless of what structure your story is, following every good, believable, and adorable friend to lovers romance story is going to follow this basic:

Foundation.
Aha moment.
Resolution.

2. Set the character’s behavior and relationship

Figure out one thing about your story, is your character’s love going to be mutual or unrequited? That’s very important to figure out because it will change how your story plays out, especially towards the end or resolution. Both plot devices are delicious in their own right. So give it some thought.

Before we can understand why any two people would fall in love, we must understand their relationship and behavior. It gives insight into love, hates to love, best friends to lovers, and any romance. So before you begin, you have to lay the foundation for yourself and your readers for why these two people are best friends and their relationship before romance enters the picture. It can be helpful to know how your characters first met, what their first impressions were of each other, and how the bonds of friendship grew between them.

Why have they friend-zoned each other intentionally or unintentionally?

For example, in the book Little Women, we see the entirety of Laurie and Jo’s relationship from the moment they first meet at 15 years old. You can see why Laurie loves Jo as a sister and eventually as something more. Also, you can see why Jo loves Laurie as a brother and wants it to stay that way forever. To build the primary relationship.

3. Figure out the setup

What will set the stage for the two people to fall in love? It doesn’t have to be something epic and huge. Moreover, it could simply be the passage of time and the result of growing up. There’s nothing cuter than the old. I never even noticed how attractive you are because you’ve been my best friend forever.

Nobody suddenly notices how their friend could be girlfriend or boyfriend material. There’s a moment of realization for sure, but there has to be something leading into that realization, or else the reader is sitting there thinking.

It is a key moment to making your friend-to-lover story feel realistic, figuring out what will shift the way one character feels about another character.
Keep in mind that they don’t even have to identify what it was. But you, as the author, should know.

4. Sudden discovery moments

Your protagonist can accidentally create the setup for their aha moment. It is the part of the story where one of the characters or both of the characters realize there’s a little something more between. A sudden discovery moment can happen at three different pivotal moments in your story. This moment doesn’t have to happen there at that Aha moment. But it can also happen in Act one or Act two.

If you want it to happen in Act one, I recommend making it the inciting incident. If you want it to happen in Act Two, I recommend making it the game-changing midpoint or plot twist. Or, if you want it to happen in act three, I recommend making it the aha moment of the whole story. But where are you placed? Your full moment is totally up to you.
Your protagonist has to realize they’re in love with their friend.

It is a great opportunity for a lot of cuteness, so enjoy it. If you’ve laid the foundation of their friendship and crafted a setup that makes sense for your characters, congratulations! Your aha moment will be beautiful and shine on its own because you’ve done the work beforehand to make it feel realistic.

5. Create conflict between characters

What kind of conflict is going to arise? It is fun because many things can happen depending on your character’s desires and fears and where you want to take the story. They’re going to be torn between two things the possibility and allure of a romantic relationship with this person and the safety and stability of staying just friends.

For example, in Little Women, Lori suffers quietly on the sidelines for a long time, torn between his love for Joe as a sister or more than a sister. It takes him a long time to come out and profess his love for Joe, which makes the unrequited part so much more heartbreaking. So ask yourself what conflict will surface for the character in light of realizing that they’re in love with their best friend?

6. Focus on decision making

As much as your character doesn’t want to make a decision and would rather crawl into a hole and die, they will have to decide. The conflict was their reaction to the aha moment. But what about their response? Let them consider all the options. They could tell their friend how they feel or stay in their comfort zone and keep quiet about it.

Both decisions have pros and cons, so let your character battle with what to do. Their fear will likely step into the situation. So take the opportunity to showcase your character’s internal conflict.

What are the stakes?
Why do we care about resolution?
How is everything going to be resolved?
Are the friends going to get together, or is it going to be unrequited love up to you?

It will wrap up your story, or at least the love story.

7. Clear the resolution

Make sure that the resolution is clear to the readers and makes sense for the characters, given who they are. For example, in Little Women, Lori goes and drowns his sorrows in Europe and eventually falls for Joe’s sister, Amy. Supposedly they’re happy together. In Emma, everything wraps up in a happy ending. When Emma-Knightley finally professes their love for each other and admits that their aha moments were brought on by jealousy.

There are all my best tips on writing adorable and realistic friends to lovers romance. I hope this article has helped you and maybe sparked some ideas for your story. If it did, please comment below and tell me which you prefer? Heartbreaking unrequited love or warm fuzzy happily ever after?

Get more romance writing tips:

15 Tips To Write Enemies To Lovers

Get more ideas by reading these books:

20 Friends To Lovers Romance Books

15 Brothers Best Friend Romance Books

5 Books Like How To Win Friends And Influence People

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How, and How Often, Friendship Turns into Love

Dating apps and blind dates may not be the path to love..

Posted February 3, 2022 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

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There are two main types of intimacy: friendship-based and passion-based (i.e. romantic). Sometimes one turns into the other.
Research has largely ignored friends-first romance initiation, focusing instead on the romance that develops between strangers.
A recent investigation finds friends-first initiation of romantic relationships is not only common but also frequently preferred.

When you imagine people falling in love , how do you see it happening?

Specifically, do you imagine two strangers falling in love after going out on a few dates? Or two friends gradually developing romantic feelings for each other? More generally, do you think the majority of people who become romantically involved started dating as strangers or after forming a friendship first ?

A recent study, by Stinson and colleagues from Canada, suggests popular journals and textbooks tend to “focus on romance that sparks between strangers,” but a large portion of romantic couples start out as friends, and many people looking for love prefer the friends-first route to romance.

The study , in press in Social Psychological and Personality Science , is detailed below.

Previous research on dating initiation

The authors searched online databases for studies on relationship initiation. They used terms like “ friendship ,” “friends with benefits,” “first date,” “relationship beginning,” and “ attraction .” The search was limited to 11 highly influential journals—for instance, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , Archives of Sexual Behavior , Sex Roles , and Personal Relationships .

Analysis of data showed only 15 out of 85 or 18% of papers reviewed had focused on friends-first initiation. Simply put, the majority of studies emphasized romantic relationships formed between strangers .

The authors found similar results in their second investigation, which examined the cited literature in two commonly taught textbooks on intimate relationships. Specifically, only seven out of 38 or 18% of citations concerned friends-first initiation.

Do most romantic couples start out as friends?

To learn how common friends-first romantic relationships really are, the researchers performed a meta-analysis of seven studies (N = 1,897) conducted in their labs between 2002 and 2020.

Most romantic couples started out as friends, the results showed, with the percentage of the friends-first romantic couples varying from 40% to 73% (weighted average of 68%). The percentages of friends-first initiation were also higher in married couples (particularly those under 30 years of age) and in same- gender or queer relationships.

Lastly, 42% of friends-first married couples reported having had a friends-with-benefits relationship with the person they later married. Again, this was even more prevalent among queer and same-gender couples.

What is the best way to find a date?

To learn more about the nature of friends-first romantic initiation, a final investigation was conducted. Participants (N = 298; 50% men; 47% in a romantic relationship) were psychology students from one of the samples in the previous investigation. They were asked to indicate the best way to find dates by selecting from a list of options: blind dates, a friendship naturally turning romantic, mutual friends, school, parties, workplace, church, family connections, bar, social media , dating services, etc.

The top three most frequent responses regarding the best way to meet a potential romantic partner were the following: Friendships that turn romantic (47%), getting to know a potential partner through mutual friends (18%), and meeting at school, college, or university (18%).

To compare, only 0.3% chose going on a blind date as the best way to meet a future boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse. In fact, going on a blind date and using an online dating service were the least frequently endorsed responses.

Friendship as a relationship-initiation strategy?

Those in a romantic relationship who had been friends first also answered questions about the length of their friendship and their original intentions for initiating the friendship.

So, what had been the reasons behind friendship intentions in those in a romantic relationship who had been friends first? Only a small portion reported having been sexually attracted to each other from the beginning or intending to use the friendship as a romantic strategy:

The respondent being attracted to the partner: 12%
The partner being attracted to the respondent: 18%
Neither (attraction developed later): 70%

In short, as the authors note, “the vast majority of these university students did not enter into their friendships with romantic intentions or attraction.”

Friendship and dating as a two-way street

To put the findings reviewed in context, let us recall a prominent view of how romance forms, which says:

Men’s passion and desire “sparks the initial interaction between potential romantic partners and then passion-based intimacy [i.e. romantic interest and sexual desire] and friendship-based intimacy [i.e. feelings of understanding, warmth, interdependence] continue to develop over time in tandem.”

However, the findings discussed here provide less support for this view and more support for another view that argues the relationship between the two types of intimacy (passion-based and friendship-based) is a two-way street .

This means that sometimes the spark of romance between two strangers later promotes friendship-based intimacy to develop, but quite often the opposite progression occurs: Friendship-based intimacy develops between two friends over months or years before they start to experience romantic interest and sexual desire for each other.

When two friends become romantically involved, some might argue these “friends” were always sexually attracted to each other; or becoming friends was simply a strategy or tactic to achieve a romantic goal.

However, the present data on participants’ intentions when forming friendships show 30% were motivated by romantic interest and sexual desire...but 70% were not.

Therefore, we need to question the view that the only way intimacy can develop is as a result of a man expressing his romantic attraction and sexual passion to a woman (in heterosexual relationships). Instead, friends-first romantic initiation, whether initiated by a man or woman, appears to be quite common. Perhaps more importantly, the data shows becoming friends first is often considered the best way to initiate a romantic relationship .

So, it is time researchers started to pay less attention to blind dates and more to how some platonic friendships turn into love and to why this is the path to romance that many people prefer.

Facebook image: novak.elcic/Shutterstock

Arash Emamzadeh attended the University of British Columbia in Canada, where he studied genetics and psychology. He has also done graduate work in clinical psychology and neuropsychology in U.S.

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Friends to Lovers: Taking the Leap With Your Roommate

What started as strangers living together in New York City became something more for these roommates.

Coworkers. Best friends. Roommates. Skeptics. In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin’s season of Bridgerton , people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into something more and what came after.

While in many ways the wild first months of the pandemic feel like a dim memory, they are ingrained in my mind for one particular reason: meeting John, on a blistering hot summer day in 2020, when we first met to sign a lease as new roommates.

After living in New York City’s East Village for two years after college, I moved back upstate to Buffalo for a few months to escape the relentlessness of the city during those early months of 2020. But by July, I was desperate to get out of my family’s home and back to my own life in the city. As anyone in New York City knows, the apartment hunt here can be exhausting, disheartening even — even more so when the majority of the world was still sheltering in place.

I scoured Facebook housing groups, looking for apartments big enough to accommodate my newly minted work-from-home lifestyle, while also looking to save a bit of money. My search led me to Brooklyn, where I found a Facebook post from a guy named John.

He had found a four-bedroom loft in East Williamsburg that needed to be filled, and quite typically for New York City, that happened very quickly: After a FaceTime call with John, a video tour of the apartment, and a brief meeting with three random roommates, I moved in the following week.

Despite essentially moving in blind with one another, we all quickly bonded through games of Settlers of Catan, walks through the neighborhood, playing Fall Guys or Fortnite, and binge-watching cult documentaries to ease our minds about the state of the world. Restaurants and bars were just beginning to welcome back guests, so we really became one another’s main social circle. But John, with his infectious playfulness and wit, pulled me in a different way. He was in a relationship, and I knew and respected that, but we nevertheless connected quickly, oftentimes staying up talking on the couch until the wee hours of the morning. We also both worked in the media industry at the time, which, depending on the ebb and flow of successes or hardships, led to moments of celebrating or commiserating. But really, it was his talent as a watercolor painter and animator that really made him, and me, light up.

“...What if I was letting this fear dictate what could become something amazing?

While his romantic relationship ended in the second year of us living together, we still only shared a deep friendship. We went to Costa Rica together with another friend in March 2022, and to Coachella in April. Though our friends started having suspicions about where our relationship might be headed, we always brushed them off. The idea of us dating or being anything more than friends and roommates was totally out of the question. At that point, we just couldn’t see each other as anything other than friends. We edited each other’s dating profiles. We were each other’s wingmen at singles mixers. If some guy gave me unwanted attention, he was there to help me. If he wanted to make another girl jealous, I was there to help him.

Despite the foundation we had established, though, by the end of the summer of 2022, we both felt confused. We both knew the delicate balancing act we had maintained wasn’t working like it once did. It was finally occurring to me that, perhaps, this was more than a friendship.

I was away for a week on a scuba diving trip in the Cayman Islands, and every morning and evening, I FaceTimed John, recounting to him about the things I was going to do that day or the fish I saw on my most recent dive. I had the passing thought: Is this too much? I knew we talked more than the average roommates or friends do, but so what? I knew I had started to feel a spark, but I had to push it down.

The confusion, though, never subsided. We lived together, we grew to become best friends, so wasn’t it natural that we spoke several times a day and ate dinner together? Doing those things didn’t necessarily mean there was more there, right? I wrestled with these questions daily, but John and I both felt it, that pull toward each other on an intimate level, deep down, even if we were both denying it. Neither one of us wanted to say something, acknowledge any feelings, or make a move because we didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship we had built together. If something did go wrong, then what? Avoiding a roommate is nearly impossible. And who knows how it would affect house dynamics.

So, we danced around it while I continued to feel increasingly more trapped — if I brought up how I was feeling then got rejected, I knew for my own mental health I wouldn’t be able to keep living with him. But what if I was letting this fear dictate what could become something amazing? Still, the risk seemed too great. I wouldn’t even allow myself to get lost in any sort of fantasy. But soon enough, those thoughts became so loud, I couldn’t run away from them.

John was experiencing the same back-and-forth. And as the weeks passed, we kept finding ourselves slipping into a gray area: He’d get jealous if another guy at a bar was interested in me; I started holding his hand when walking home from said bar. But we never kissed or acknowledged these passing moments. Then, one October night after a few hours of dancing at a club in Bushwick, we ended up passing out on the couch together. Hours later, when the bright weekend light woke us up, we kissed for the first time and … that was it.

While parts of going from roommates to lovers are strange — we had to talk about exclusivity almost immediately and also figure out how to navigate our own living situation — other parts are just wonderful. There’s a comfort level that I’m not sure we would’ve reached otherwise. And after two years dating, one move, and a dog adoption, the summer of 2020, and everything after that, feels like a hazy, lovely dream.

At first, we kept things secret from our friends and roommates — but we realized quickly that we had to talk about the progression of our relationship, which was moving at a much faster pace. Exclusivity after only a kiss? Yes, we really had to go there and then come up with a plan to tell the rest of the roommates in the apartment. Plus, it was plainly obvious that we were together, and luckily, everyone was so supportive.

At the heart of our relationship, not much had changed — John was always my plus-one to every event before we became official. But what I ultimately learned is that the beauty of dating your roommate (besides the easy commute) is that we knew each other without filters. We were comfortable with each other whether we were unshowered, tired, or in pajamas or dolled up. There was no veneer or posturing that the start of a brand-new relationship can sometimes elicit. And after three years (two years as friends, one year as a couple) of living in the original four-bedroom loft, we finally branched out into our very own place in the heart of Bushwick.

We’ve been together for two years, and we just celebrated the one-year anniversary of adopting Tati, our dog. We have legally become domestic partners, because we’re in no rush to get officially married but want shared benefits and a degree of commitment to each other.

These days, we spend most weekends bringing Tati to the dog park after a long walk around the neighborhood. We check out dog-friendly restaurants as a family. And we crush games and watch cult documentaries — just like we always have.

Waverly Colville is an Emmy Award-winning writer, producer, and director based in Brooklyn, New York. She has worked with HBO , The New Yorker , The Wall Street Journal , and CNBC . She's an avid traveler, scuba diver, and dog mom to her pup Tati. She is a graduate of the University of Missouri with degrees in investigative journalism and international peace studies. She was born in China and grew up in Buffalo, New York.

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Friends to Lovers: An Essay Series
When a stranger started dating her housemate, this writer had no idea where it would eventually lead her. Coworkers. Best friends. Roommates. Skeptics. In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into ...
Friends to Lovers: How the Long Journey to Becoming ...
Coworkers. Best friends. Roommates. Skeptics. In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into something more and what came after.
How To Write a Friends-to-Lovers Romance (When You're Addicted to the
Obviously, with enemies-to-lovers, the characters start out not liking each other. In friends-to-lovers, it's a given that the reverse is true. However, in the latter, I don't think it's enough for the love interest to be just likeable. If your story is going to document someone's exit from the friend zone, they also need to be ...
Friends to Lovers: What I Learned Dating My Best Friend's Ex
Skeptics. In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into something more and what came after. Boys weren't interested in me in high school. It was 2008, and in a sea of thin, blonde, straight-haired ...
The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and
These studies affirm that friends-first initiation is a prevalent and preferred method of romantic relationship initiation that has been overlooked by relationship science. We discuss possible reasons for this oversight and consider the implications for dominant theories of relationship initiation. Relationship scientists' empirical attention ...
Why Friends-to-Lovers Is Better Than Enemies-to-Lovers
It's how Everyone Can See It. It's about being afraid of ruining one of your most important relationships with romance, but realizing in the end that romance makes your friendship stronger, not weaker. Or, as Lisa from Team Epic Reads puts it, "friends-to-lovers is 100000% better, but it hurts.".
Romance Tropes: Friends to Lovers
In a friends-to-lovers story, your characters already have a meaningful relationship. A good friendship is a wonderful thing, and the idea that a romantic relationship is better than a platonic one is frustrating and unhelpful. Therefore, we need a reason why the characters were, in this story, good as friends but even better as romantic partners.
How To Write Best Friends to Lovers Romance
As you might expect, writing best-friends-to-lovers romance stories is going to feel weird, because plot twist, going from best-friends to lovers is weird! Not unearthing any best kept secrets, her—everyone knows it's a weird shift, especially if you've known each other since childhood. So, when writing this trope, don't shy away from ...
Advice on writing a friends-to-lovers romance
Posted on July 22, 2022 at 10:45 AM by Sadye Scott-Hainchek. Friends-to-lovers makes more sense, when you consider romance plots, than enemies-to-lovers. But, as author Lacie Waldon points out, it can be a bit harder to write. After all, it begs the question: What took them so long to get together, then?
How To Go From Friends To Lovers: The Ultimate Guide
To deepen your connection and transition from friends to lovers, focus on building intimacy and romance through open communication and shared experiences. Creating sparks and fostering connection are essential steps in this process. Intimacy is about being vulnerable and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with each other.
The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and
The other way is a "friends-to-lovers pathway" that involves sleeping with your best friend and then, basically, getting married. Any self-respecting consumer of popular culture or gossip at the local coffee shop will recognize the truth of these descriptions. Movies, television, popular media, and most groups of friends abound with ...
Friends to Lovers: 11 Key Stages in Your Romantic Journey!
These are among the many friends-to-lovers signs you'll experience during this journey. 2. The Denial Phase. Acknowledging your feelings can be incredibly scary. Either you'll ignore your feelings and convince yourself that they're just passing infatuation, or you'll talk yourself out of having these feelings at all.
Friends to Lovers: I Fell for My Coworker … and Now We're Married
In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, viewers tell the tale of how their friendship budded into something more, and what came after. It was 2016, it was July, and it was much quieter than I thought it'd be in the basement. We were standing at the bottom of the ...
From friends to lovers: 15 stages you'll go through
Here's how it's likely to go down: 1. You start talking more often and spending more time together. You're friends, so you always used to text, call each other, and hang out. But not this much. If you're starting to become more than friends, you are likely to talk more often and spend more time together.
These 25 Friends-to-Lovers Romances Will Steal Your Heart
6. Golden Boys by Phil Stamper. It's the summer before senior year. Gabriel, Reese, Sal, and Heath are best friends, bonded in their small, rural town by their queerness, their good grades, and their big dreams. But they have plans for the summer, each about to embark on a new adventure.
7 Tips To Write Friend To Lover Romance Novel Perfectly
So I can guide you step by step to make your first romance hit. I will give you my 7 best tips to write friends to lover romance. Let's write it! 1. Embrace the weirdness. The first thing you have to do is embrace the weirdness. That's part of the cuteness because it's funny to fall in love with your best friend, especially if you've ...
Social Psychological and The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to
way is a "friends-to-lovers pathway" that involves sleeping with your best friend and then, basically, getting married. Any self-respecting consumer of popular culture or gossip at the local coffee shop will recognize the truth of these descriptions. Movies, television, popular media, and most groups of friends
This Is How Friendship Turns Into Romance
VanderDrift and colleagues (2012) showed that an array of positive outcomes is connected to how much people value a romantic partner as their friend. Specifically, valuing friendship in a romantic ...
Friends to Lovers: Is This Beloved Trope Not Fit for Reality?
Skeptics. In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into something more and what came after. In our favorite media, romance consumers clamor for various narrative pairings: grumpy and sunshine, enemies ...
How, and How Often, Friendship Turns into Love
Analysis of data showed only 15 out of 85 or 18% of papers reviewed had focused on friends-first initiation. ... getting to know a potential partner through mutual friends (18%), and meeting at ...
quarrel between friends and lovers Crossword Clue
Answers for quarrel between friends and lovers crossword clue, 4 letters. Search for crossword clues found in the Daily Celebrity, NY Times, Daily Mirror, Telegraph and major publications. Find clues for quarrel between friends and lovers or most any crossword answer or clues for crossword answers.
Friends to Lovers: What We Risk in Running Away
In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into something more and what came after. In May 2019, at age 24, I found myself on a film set for the first time. I had sent my friend Berenice a short story I ...
29 best gifts for plant lovers in 2024
The 29 best gifts for your plant-loving friends and family By Kat de Naoum, CNN Underscored Published 3:39 PM EDT, Thu September 26, 2024 ... (plant lovers are really onto something!). If you have ...
Friends to Lovers: Taking the Leap With Your Roommate
Best friends. Roommates. Skeptics. In this ongoing personal-essay series on real-life friends-to-lovers stories, inspired by #Polin's season of Bridgerton, people regale us with the tale of how their friendship budded into something more and what came after. While in many ways the wild first months of the pandemic feel like a dim memory, they ...